While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
