saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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