I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
