you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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