Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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