I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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