You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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