my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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