i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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