What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
