some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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