I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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