Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm really busy with my period
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