my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
