I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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