New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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