you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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