Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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