stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
