I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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