I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
