My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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