You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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