Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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