I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
