I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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