Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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