; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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