One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
