.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
