Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
