I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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