Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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