I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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