Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just found the deal breaker
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
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He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet