The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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