I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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