Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
