I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
