well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
