I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
