And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Mom said you looked used
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
