Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
