awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
