it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Dicks are not precious.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
