I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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