wakey wakey hands off snakey
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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