I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
