we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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