i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
