I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
