well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
