i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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