Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
