Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
