you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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