He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
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Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize