Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
